If you have to choose between getting involved in a long distance relationship or a shot at your field of interest and future that you always wanted, what is your pick? You are only allowed to have one.
I have been dispensing advice to A about her pathways after her STPM. To me, the only thing stopping her from going with her inner voice is her long distance relationship, basically stuck with a boy. Indeed, having a serious relationship with someone who is constantly at the other corner of the earth could be tough. No one said it is easy, but no one said it is going to be that hard either.
She seems to be so interested with how many ex(s) I ever had because I certainly do have a lot of theories about boy girl relationships. I did tell her right from the beginning that I am not a person who believe in long distance relationship, not anymore. I have seen probably few rare successful cases but they are certainly not without any hardships. Most of them do not have a choice. I believe no one would choose to involve in a long distance relationship.
If the only thing I could do is to recall the last time I hugged her, kiss her, held her in my arms, calling her each day, counting the days before I could meet her again, I would rather just stay single. Why should I go through all those trouble? Sure, I don’t love her enough if I am not willing to sacrifice [for relationship] but I would be rationale not to let it develop into love at the first place. I would choose to end it.
It is even worse if she and I were to argue on the phone every few days. Long distance relationship is already tiring without those arguments. I certainly don’t need more spices in my daily life. Of course, she did asked for my honest opinions and she couldn’t understand the fact that people are not hanging on to love the way she does.
If I like coffee a lot and someone tells me whole bunch of reason not to and all the harms it is going to cost me, of course I would selectively screen what is going to stay in my mind. To certain extent, my perception is shaped base on my actions. This is why smoking cessation is not that effective. One analogy - cognitive dissonance, different application. If she have not had that belief and behaved the way she had, probably her long distance relationship would have ended long time ago.
I even share with her a story, a story about X who chooses to end the relationship before he further his study overseas. I was at a moment impressed with the boy because the decision is not an easy one. I did tell her that a boy who chooses not to fight the battle in other words might be doing “damage control” to the relationship. We are not shooting The Last Samurai here, and therefore, no prizes are given to those who chose to fight til the very last drop of your blood. Why should you anyway?
Love is beautiful only when everything is right. You add distances, arguments, loneliness and love could be in fact ugly. No one could be sure that one day the boy and the girl would be together after the boy completed his study but at least they would not have to deal with the painful process in between, is that not tempting? Well, if you somehow believed that real love needs sacrificing, sure your real love can afford to wait four years too right? Waiting is also a form of sacrificing.
What if one day one of you just suddenly decided to give up and stop sacrificing anymore? Even there was once real love between both of you; long distance has just killed it. That is why X might get back together with that girl because he chose to preserve the love when it is still beautiful, pure and without any scar.
To me, hanging on to a relationship is not love anymore. There might be love in it but the love is not a pretty one. At the end of the day, hanging on to a relationship is not a direct measure of how much you love somebody.
It is hard to give up now but it is harder to give up later because you have sacrificed more. Your expectation towards love would be raised and you will certainly experience more disappointment because he/she can no longer hit your level of expectation anymore.
To me, some people just enjoy the “pain” in the relationship. They think highly of themselves because they are sacrificing for a noble thing call love. They enjoy the pain rather than love. 伤口，是爱最刻骨铭心的笔记(Wounds, are the most heartfelt notes of love). You do not sacrifice for someone you do not love, the more you sacrifice, it has to be because you love that special one more.
Love during high school is about sweet memories, innocent and stainless and it should stay that way. How many actually does make it to the red carpet in the end (from high school to getting married)? So, majority of us do not even had real love, so it is okay to give up because it is not real love. When you are in a high school, your world practically consists of your classmates and probably those of tuition classes. When you are in Uni you are dealing with a bigger world, in other word – more choices. Are you sure you already had the best deal out there?
Relationship is hard to let go because of a thing called habit. We are so used to sharing everything in our life with someone else. We are so used to being emotionally attached to someone. Everywhere we go; it just triggers our memory of him/her. Sometimes we are too afraid of changes. When you are so emotionally attached to someone, you are giving them the absolute right to break your heart any time.
First love is also the hardest to let go. Why? We have never done that before. How could we possibly good at something that is new to us – letting go and successfully detach ourselves emotionally. It would feels like it is the end of the world and when the reality is better than our dream; we don’t want it to change. We try to stay in it as long as possible. You know it is love when your reality is better than your dreams.
I still believe that 18 is an ideal age for first love. It smashes all the unrealistic expectations you have about love. It will help you in your future relationships. I am only against it when it is affecting possibly one of the most crucial moment of your life – deciding a pathway and possibly a career that you have to deal with for the rest of your life, a decision with consequences you have to live with up to 40 years?
More often than not, harsh reality triumph over noble love. If you chose relationship over what you want to do and your dream, you would probably end up blaming the special one in the future. When you sacrificed your choice of education you wanted, you expect a happy and successful relationship in return. No one could guarantee you that.
In this case, you are betting on the future. Imagine waking up one day and you realize you have let go a great future and there is no turning back. You will start blaming your mr/mrs right and there won’t be a happy marriage. The path not taken is always greener. If you are afraid that by letting go the relationship you might be making the worst decision ever, you might have already made the worst decision by choosing relationship over your study. Remember, the path not taken is always greener.
If you believe you have found real love/the right one and the love between both of you would never fades, love can wait again in this case. It never fades and therefore it would exist forever and ever, til the world ends. Didn’t he/she promise that his/her heart would never change? You too told me yesterday that boys are always the same, which I would agree with you although not at that moment because she is blaming me for walking away on her when she needs me. If all boys are the same and you would never change, and his love would never changes, thus all relationships would be almost similar. If all boys are the same, why are you afraid that you wouldn’t find a similar/better boy?
Make the correct decision. It is pain to grow but you will have to just grow through the pain. I believe most if not all love couldn’t stand the cruel testing by time and distance. It is your real love against my belief.
Yes, I am realistic and a little too rationale.
Enough said and I am sure I made my stand clear.
我羡慕理想的爱情，却总是要面对现实的爱情。 (I envy and want the ideal love, but I have to face the reality side of love)
taken from - 大学生恋爱，到底能够维持多久？ available here.
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